Everyone Says I'm a Cancer...

The cancer is often described as moody, but rarely mean. He is only mean when he is afraid of losing something that is valuable to him. I, on the other hand, am rarely moody and only mean when someone initiates the feeling, elevating my stance based on the stance of the person that I am arguing with.

The cancer male is often characterized as unconfident of his own appearance, and an extreme romantic. Neither of these could be further from the truth. In reality, at a young age I was both of these things. But after a matter of time, a greater understanding of self, and a few restraining orders, I have come to the conclusion that most women see me as a Greek god. And although some romanticism is important in a relationship, extreme romanticism demeans the value of romanticism, such as inflation lowers the value of the dollar.

Cancer men are known to understand women very well, and are fond of children. I, on the other hand, only know enough about women to point one out in a police lineup. Everything that I know about women can be found quite easily by flipping through an anatomy book. My fondness for children is still up in the air. At this point in my life, I am fond of children when they go somewhere that isn’t my apartment. Children might be in my future, but it will definitely be the distant future. I still feel like a child myself, and I am not ready to let go of that just yet.

We are known to avoid serious relationships for as long as possible, treading lightly when committing. In my case, this is the most accurate of these generalizations. In my personal life, if things aren’t perfect then I have the tendency of getting bored quite quickly. I get queasy at the thought of signing a lease for more than six months, and I am quick to break things off with women before any chemistry has had a chance to develop. Despite what my dating record might tell you, I am the type of guy who doesn’t mind being single for a while, and enjoys the respite that comes from a night alone at home.

We are known not to be easily flattered. This has been proven wrong to me many times by attractive sales clerks and waitresses across the state. I consider myself very stubborn, but for some reason, I am also a sucker for the cute girl behind the counter. A simple, ‘You look cute in that…’ or ‘That’s hot… (giggle, giggle, giggle)’ makes my wallet automatically jump out of my back pocket. I have a pair of Oakley’s, two pairs of Ray Ban’s, a lime green polo that I have never worn, and a subscription to a magazine that I have never read, (because it is in German), to prove this fact.

Men born under this sign are often said to be excellent cooks. The only thing I can make is money, which is used at restaurants and at grocery stores to purchase Hot Pockets and microwavable burritos. When asked about my prowess in the kitchen, an ex-girlfriend once told my family, ‘My daughter wouldn’t eat it, and she eats dirt!’

I believe that your personality is not predestined. It is not handed down to you by the fates, but by your parents, friends, and your environment. The positions of the planets at your birth cannot tell you who you are or who you will be, that is a decision that you need to make on your own. Any correlations you might have with the traits of the sign you were born under are purely coincidental.

(I know it's not my usual fare, but it was a class assignment...)