Just My Luck

Some people believe in karma, some believe in kismet, or being born under a bad sign. I just think I have horrific luck, some of which is placed on me by none other than myself. I also seem to have the most atrocious sense of timing. The following are a slight modification of Murphy’s Laws to fit more appropriately to my life.

1a. Anytime that I must be somewhere and leave my apartment with more than adequate time, say 30 minutes when only 15 are needed to arrive at my destination, I will just barely get there on time. I will, without fail, hit every red light on the way, get pulled over, and be caught behind two trains at the same time.

1b. Anytime that I must be somewhere in 10 minutes, and leave my apartment 11 minutes before. I will just barely get there on time. I will hit no red lights, no cops, and no trains.

1c. With the exception of going to work, I will undoubtedly leave my apartment approximately 2 minutes before I have to be anywhere and arrive 10-15 minutes late, thus negating laws 1a and 1b.

2a. I consider myself fairly intelligent and the things I say when I converse have great meaning to me. Unfortunately, 94% of the people in my life either feign an interest or space out completely when I start talking about things that I find fascinating. My family and my girlfriend are the only exceptions to this rule.

2b. If I really need the other 94% of people to pay attention to something that I say, I must either interject a dick or fart joke every now and then, or wave something shiny in their face, such as a quarter or pocket watch.

2c. The only time I can guarantee 100% of people will remember anything I say to them is when I insult them.

3a. There is not one computer on the planet that I cannot get to work in tip top shape, as long as it is physically capable of doing so.

3b. The sole exception to rule 3a is my own personal computer. Which at times, will not cooperate for me after I have threatened its existence with a 20-pound sledgehammer.

4a. Anytime that I complain to anyone about how bad I am at a bar Olympics sport (pool, bowling, darts, etc.), I will without exception, beat everyone I gripe to.

4b. Anytime that I brag to anyone about how good I am at a bar Olympics sport, I will without exception, have my ass handed to me.

5a. Anytime I feel I have something important that I need to say in a crowded room I must shout over the crowd and I am unable to get everyone’s attention.

5b. Anytime I try to say something in a crowded room that was intended for the ears of one or zero persons, invariably the crowd will become silent approximately 1/100th of a second before the words are uttered, allowing all in the room to hear.

6. I will without a doubt, only realize how rude or condescending a statement is after I have heard it with my own ears, rather than hearing it in my head.

7a. My mom feels the need to call me the most in the following states: When I am asleep, when I am grumpy, when I am eating, when I need some time to myself, when I am in the shower or when I am otherwise ‘busy’.

7b. My mom constantly decides to be in the following states when I call her: asleep, grumpy, eating, needing time to herself, in the shower or otherwise ‘busy’.

8a. If I jump into a friend’s vehicle, and the stereo is turned up, I will be berated for not speaking to the driver of said vehicle.

8b. If I jump into a friend’s vehicle, and I turn down the stereo to speak to my friend, I will be berated for lowering the volume of the song because the driver wishes to hear it.

9a. The ease of falling asleep is directly proportional to the importance of the situation. For example, I am able to read out of the dictionary for hours, but as soon as I am in a classroom, I am unable to stay awake.

9b. The only exception to the previous rule is when the situation requires sleep. The ability to sleep is inversely proportional to the importance of required sleep.

10. Whenever I believe, unequivocally, that a situation cannot possibly get worse, I am proven wrong.

11a. All of my white friends love a good Mexican joke.

11b. All of my Mexican friends love a good white joke.

11c. All of my Mexican friends love a good Mexican joke.

11d. All of my good white friends HATE a good white joke.

12a. It is near impossible to put my friends in a good mood when they are feeling angry.

12b. It is fairly easy to put my friends in a bad mood or make them angry when they are feeling good.

13. It is impossible for me to tell how far is too far with a joke until I have already crossed the line.

14. It is impossible for me to tell how hard I have tossed an object until it smashes against someone’s head.

15. When I do get caught doing something I shouldn’t be doing, it will invariably be in the most embarrassing way possible.

16. The only thing stronger than my desire to avoid drama is my propensity for finding or creating it.

17. I have the ability to practice a skill until I am perfect at it, but when I put the skill into practice, it is far from perfect.

18. A situation will only go exactly as I expect, when I expect the situation to go badly.